Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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