The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
