miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
