I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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