tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
