Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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