so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Vodka?
Forever.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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