my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
