you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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