i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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