Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
