You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
