I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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