I accidentally had phone sex last night
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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