My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
