I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
