one two three fourrrrnication!
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
