A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
