Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
