There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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