seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
