i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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