I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
