I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
