She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
