The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she pinky promised me she was 18
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
