Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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