some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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