If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
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So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?