Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
