I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
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I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
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This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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