she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
