i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
