I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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