More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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