a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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