Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
