nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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