This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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