I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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