The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
