Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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