She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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