At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
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You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
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My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
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