I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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