I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
