I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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