Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
