I think I died a long time ago.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
As shirtless as possible
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
