If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
