dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
