Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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