My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
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I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
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You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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