if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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