i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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