I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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